black holes and gray matter. in one thousand tangos.

             

Time to put on our bitchy pants and say shitty things about the Oscars and everyone nominated for the Oscars. Now, according to Entertainment Weekly, this year’s Oscars will be “song-and-dance heavy,” which is arguably the most terrifying thing I have ever read. The Grammys were two weeks ago. That is the show where singing and dancing are appropriate. When singing and dancing happen at the Oscars, you get this. Who asked for more musical bullshit at the Oscars this year? Was it you? If it was you, I’ll piss in your soup.

All of this will presided over by Seth MacFarlane, who’s so hip with the kids these days and will surely get ABC the two percent bump in male 18-24 viewership that they so desperately covet. […]

Anyway, let’s get on with Oscar Night, aka the one night a year on which I become a diehard Republican. […]

I’m … very excited for Best Picture to go to yet another movie about making movies. Because I never feel like movies get enough appreciation, you know? We barely pay attention to movies these days. Meanwhile, they’re quietly liberating our hostages and saving depressed French actors from suicide. And they ask for NOTHING in return! About time the Academy gave the filmmaking process the vigorous anal tonguing it deserves.

Silver Linings Playbook: You and I both know that if Lasse Hallstrom had directed this thing, it would have been the shittiest, most predictable romantic comedy ever created. “What happens when a bi-polar guy meets a bi-polar gal? And they have to join forces to win a local dance competition to win a bet for a grumpy Robert De Niro? Sparks will fly this summer when Katherine Heigl and Justin Long are … DANCIN’ FOR DADDY-O.” […]

Hugh Jackman: This isn’t a nomination for playing Wolverine? That’s stupid. I have no use for Hugh Jackman in non-Wolverine roles. Give Jackman a chance to play someone else and you know what you get? Australia. No one cares.

Bradley Cooper: Looks like someone figured out that the key to scoring an Oscar nom is to play a mentally disturbed (but still attractive) person and surround yourself with a top-notch cast and a top-notch director to hide your glaring acting deficiencies. So I’ll give Cooper credit for managing to make himself look like a competent actor despite having the most punchable face in movies today. […]

Emmanuelle Riva: [H]ow hard can it be for an 85-year-old woman to play someone who’s dying? It’s gotta be like second nature to this woman. I’m not that impressed. Play Tina Turner and then you’re showing me something, lady.

Quavsdlkfsgklsghsrklergdfivfddflkfjgdf Wallis: Obviously, we can’t poke fun at such an adorable little sprite who’s just elated to be part of the festivities. I think it’s wonderful how she doesn’t yet realize that Hollywood is a soulless places where people’s dreams are regularly beaten down and then sold into sexual slavery. I find that kind of naiveté refreshing. […]

Christoph Waltz: This is what happens when Christoph Waltz appears in a movie that is NOT directed by Quentin Tarantino. They should just nominate Tarantino for the acting award. He’s using Waltz as his own personal motion-capture suit. […]

Anne Hathaway: Ah, here we are. Anne Hathaway: The Valedictorian of Actressing. Not since Hilary Swank have we been subjected to such a long string of soulless, coldly professional acceptance speeches. It’s like watching a LinkedIn profile talk.”

The 2013 Hater’s Guide to the Oscars 

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