black holes and gray matter. in one thousand tangos.

             

Seacrest: At 9 years old, what’s this experience been like?

Quvenzahne: It has been CRAZY.

S: Yeah? What’s the craziest part?

Q: ALL of it.

S: Can you believe that you’re nominated with all these other women?

Q: No, because they’re older and… more sophisticated. 

S: Tell me about your dress.

Q: Umm, I like it because it’s sparkly and fluffy. 

“When I first heard that 9-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis was the youngest nominee in the Leading Actress category in the Academy Awards’ 85-year history, I thought the same thing probably a lot of people thought: Quvenzhané?! What the hell kind of a name is that?! Well, it turns out that her parents claim in Swahili, that means ‘fairy’. Whew! That was CLOSE! Thank God it actually means something, because when it comes to black people and the names we give our children, often times, it can be an adventure. Sometimes we name our kids after our favorite drinks. I can’t tell you how many Martells, Remis, and Alizés I know! […]

A lot of times white people ask me, “Hey Dwayne, how come black people have such crazy names?”, and then they laugh, and laugh, and then I’ll laugh too. Then I tell them the reason: SLAVERY! Yeah, yuck it up NOW.

See, when we were brought here form Africa, we were devoid of our African culture so we had to invent a whole new culture almost from scratch, and when you’re making things up, sometimes you’ll get the greatest creations in the history of the world like Blues, Gospel, Jazz, and Rock & Roll, and sometimes, you get Deshoquaneesha. Or Bonesheeva. Or Aquanetta. Or Darquayvious. Or, Jermajesty. They CAN’T all be HITS!

So Quvenzhané Wallis, come Sunday, I’m rooting for you!”
Dwayne Kennedy on Totally Biased/W. Kamau Bell

“Time to put on our bitchy pants and say shitty things about the Oscars and everyone nominated for the Oscars. Now, according to Entertainment Weekly, this year’s Oscars will be “song-and-dance heavy,” which is arguably the most terrifying thing I have ever read. The Grammys were two weeks ago. That is the show where singing and dancing are appropriate. When singing and dancing happen at the Oscars, you get this. Who asked for more musical bullshit at the Oscars this year? Was it you? If it was you, I’ll piss in your soup.

All of this will presided over by Seth MacFarlane, who’s so hip with the kids these days and will surely get ABC the two percent bump in male 18-24 viewership that they so desperately covet. […]

Anyway, let’s get on with Oscar Night, aka the one night a year on which I become a diehard Republican. […]

I’m … very excited for Best Picture to go to yet another movie about making movies. Because I never feel like movies get enough appreciation, you know? We barely pay attention to movies these days. Meanwhile, they’re quietly liberating our hostages and saving depressed French actors from suicide. And they ask for NOTHING in return! About time the Academy gave the filmmaking process the vigorous anal tonguing it deserves.

Silver Linings Playbook: You and I both know that if Lasse Hallstrom had directed this thing, it would have been the shittiest, most predictable romantic comedy ever created. “What happens when a bi-polar guy meets a bi-polar gal? And they have to join forces to win a local dance competition to win a bet for a grumpy Robert De Niro? Sparks will fly this summer when Katherine Heigl and Justin Long are … DANCIN’ FOR DADDY-O.” […]

Hugh Jackman: This isn’t a nomination for playing Wolverine? That’s stupid. I have no use for Hugh Jackman in non-Wolverine roles. Give Jackman a chance to play someone else and you know what you get? Australia. No one cares.

Bradley Cooper: Looks like someone figured out that the key to scoring an Oscar nom is to play a mentally disturbed (but still attractive) person and surround yourself with a top-notch cast and a top-notch director to hide your glaring acting deficiencies. So I’ll give Cooper credit for managing to make himself look like a competent actor despite having the most punchable face in movies today. […]

Emmanuelle Riva: [H]ow hard can it be for an 85-year-old woman to play someone who’s dying? It’s gotta be like second nature to this woman. I’m not that impressed. Play Tina Turner and then you’re showing me something, lady.

Quavsdlkfsgklsghsrklergdfivfddflkfjgdf Wallis: Obviously, we can’t poke fun at such an adorable little sprite who’s just elated to be part of the festivities. I think it’s wonderful how she doesn’t yet realize that Hollywood is a soulless places where people’s dreams are regularly beaten down and then sold into sexual slavery. I find that kind of naiveté refreshing. […]

Christoph Waltz: This is what happens when Christoph Waltz appears in a movie that is NOT directed by Quentin Tarantino. They should just nominate Tarantino for the acting award. He’s using Waltz as his own personal motion-capture suit. […]

Anne Hathaway: Ah, here we are. Anne Hathaway: The Valedictorian of Actressing. Not since Hilary Swank have we been subjected to such a long string of soulless, coldly professional acceptance speeches. It’s like watching a LinkedIn profile talk.”

The 2013 Hater’s Guide to the Oscars 

©2011 Kateoplis